knvs4ever

Cause RK did it...

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 04:10:37 GMT

I'm sitting here doing some homework...listening to some good old R&B and reading up on my friend/old ballet partner/member of my adopted family RK!

He had this list of questions he'll answer for people...so as i wait for him to enlighten me on this points...I'll answer them for any of ya'll!

Here ya'll go:
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. (This possibly will not apply to all).
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

***This should be funny!***

Now its time to go back to some freaking homework...I'm so ready to drop outta college! That's it i don't fall asleep first!

Muah...and have a nice night ya'll!

Another Night Ended Perfectly...

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 19:13:58 GMT

And the good times keep rolling...

Yesterday started great! I woke up at 5 am next to MAV. Its the best feeling waking up in someone's arms. I started to move and instantly he was aware of my movement. MAV had stayed the night...and needed to be at work at 6:30 am (in Newtown)! Poor kid! He had to get up at the crack of dawn just to make it to work since Newtown is almost an hour away with traffic! So being the nice person i am...told him i'd be his alarm clock. I mean if he's going to sacrifice his sleep time to be with me...I might as well be up with him! (Not to mention we didn't get to bed till maybe right before 2 am! We were up doing homework...honestly...i was helping him with an English paper!)

So now i have this kid pulling me back into bed telling me that he's got 10 more minutes...and that if i think i'm going anywhere...other than next to him...i'm crazy! So i decided to take advantage of the situation! Since between 5 and 5:30 am i'm the horniest i possibly could be (Pumpkin Time)...you know the rest!

Well things started getting hot and heavy! Before i knew it...he was on top of me, ready to explode, and one hip thrust away from being inside me! I didn't move! He had told me i could trust him never to take advantage of the situation...so i laid there praying he had some serious self control! AND HE DID! I've never been so impressed...and happy...in my life!

After he had gotten dressed and was ready to leave...i dragged him to the door! MAV was so cute! He looked like a little kid who's mom was trying to make them leave Toys R' Us!!! He dragged him feet the whole way...mumbling something about not wanting to leave just yet! He was so cute! Honestly, he's the hardest person to say good bye to...cause the kisses just don't stop...and neither do the laughs! He left really late...which made me feel bad...guess saying good bye in my birthday suit isn't always the way to go! LOL

So my day was packed! My friend SLEE came to visit me (and of course we did breakfast at IHOP) then i had to tutor my boy MMR on AutoCAD...not to mention i had class at 3 pm! So as all of this is going on MAV calls me during his lunch break (i think its so cute that he always makes time to call me during the day!!) to see how i am...ask if i went back to bed and got sleep...and how my friends were doing!

Then we start talking about the morning! He starts bringing up the fact of how close we were to having sex...something about he wasn't sure if i had changed my mind...that i'm way too passionate...that i make things so difficult for him...that we need to maybe back off a bit! Pretty much this kid broke my heart and my pride...and confidence! I was shattered. But because he was at work he couldn't finish the conversation! So i told him to come over after he got outta school at 6, that i'd make dinner and we could talk!

I spent the rest of the day being a FREAKING WREAK! Here i am thinking this kid is going to ask me to either give it up...or get out! I'm thinking he's going to tell me i'm not worth waiting for...that all of this is a big FREAKING joke...that all he wants is one thing! That if i don't give in...he's out of the picture! Pretty much i'm devasted! I've got MMR and SLEE giving me a pep talk. Then I call up MC! I was screaming something about i hate men...

Actually i said:
"Ya'll men don't want a hoe...but not a prude...u say being a virgin earns me respect...but as soon as a girl opens up & starts showing her sexual side...ya'll flip!"

Then i had MR on the phone telling me that if MAV hurts me...her and Alex and Ray were going to kick his ass...that if he walks away from me that he would be losing the best girl he could find! Not to mention i had my girl Jennings come over and smoke with me during our break from class! (we smoked out of a diet coke can...you know i was desperate!) I FREAKING did dishes ya'll! YOU KNOW I WAS BUGGING!

And i was bugging out because...I'm not ready to have sex yet! I mean I've only been single for 6 months. God only sent MAV to me in the past few weeks! And even though our connection is better than anything i've ever had with anyone (including LAO) i'm still not ready! The same thing kept running through my head:

I'm not his girlfriend yet. He's still dealing with calls from him ex, not to mention i'm still dealing with LAO and one of the guys i was seeing before. We said we wanted to take things slow...we want to make this work and last because we think that whatever we have could be something really special. I want this kid to love me for the person i am first. I don't want to be a disposable part of his life (which although he says i'm not...let's look at the facts please...i am!).

I mean...i never said i wouldn't sleep with him...i'm just not going to even consider it until all of the above is taken care of and settled. Then from there...whenever that happens...we can open the floor to discussion.

So finally 6 pm rolls around. MAV calls me to see if i still want to him to come over. I say yup...that i'm about to start grilling...and he says he's on his way. From the second he saw me he knew something was up. So what does he do...he starts cracking jokes! Tries to get me to laugh a bit, smile a bit...loosen up! Then he throws on a Salsa CD...plays our song...and starts dancing with me!

THERE IS NOTHING BETTER IN THIS WORLD THAN DANCING SALSA, MERENGUE, AND BACHATA WITH MAV! NO MATTER WHAT TIME, PLACE, OR MOOD I'M IN! ITS OUR THING AND I LOVE IT!

So now i'm getting into a better mood, there's good music playing, and the foods done. So after he comes back from a quick run to Stop & Shop...we sit down to eat. And then he brings it up..."So let's talk, hun!"

I tell him everything...and he's MORTIFIED! Guess i got the whole conversation wrong! And now i got him feeling like an ass for stressing me out all day! He sets everything straight! He thinks its way to early for us to even be talking about sex. That he wasn't upset with me when he left in the morning. That he is 100% happy with me and the way things are. And that he is so sorry for ever making me feel that i wasn't good enough or that he wishes i was any different than from how i am. He told me:

"I keep telling my brother that i've got this girl in my life who isn't like anyone i know. That she's everything i've ever been looking for in someone and that i can't believe i found her...and that she's mine!"

Can you imagine how wonderful it is to hear that from someone? Not to mention the whole time we talked...he looked me in the eyes, would hold my hand, rub my face, play with my hair, give me little kisses...and finally just held me really close and tight! He told me he doesn't want me to be scared about being with him, that he's going to do everything in his power never to hurt me (and that if he does that he wants me to tell him ASAP...so that he can fix it quick) and that he doesn't want me to run out of his life. That he likes me so much and cares about me...and wants me with him!

***I'm on cloud 9 by this point...all my anxiety is gone by now...and i'm just happy to be taken care of***

So the rest of the night was filled with laughs, kisses, jokes, wrestling matches, a steamy shower, caresses, and some quality time! I learned that i'm his first for something (which excited the hell outta me!!!!) and he found out that he's my first for something too (cause he's not tongue-tied...sorry OAH...shoulda gotten it clipped earlier!!!)

MAV didn't leave till almost midnight! That was after the screams and yells outta him that i swore was going to wake up my whole building! Honestly the funniest thing in the world is him screaming like a little boy who's about to be raped! And all of that just cause i was trying to convince him to stay longer...by very "evil" means!!! I like to play dirty every once in awhile!

So no matter what happens...or how it happens he's always able to save the day! I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world! I've never been treated like this ever! He always says that i deserve the best kind of treatment...that he couldn't imagine anyone who would want to treat me any different! Nothing seems to be too small for him to do...and he keeps warning me that there's bigger and better things on the way! Can't wait...

FYI: The song i'm listening doesn't fit my mood...i mean talking about lost love...nope that's not how i feel right now...but its a damn good beat!

HE DID IT!!!!!!

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 03:41:36 GMT

OH MY GOD...

I'm on cloud 9! I have to run out to meet up with Alex and MR but i just had to write this real quick!

So its about 8 pm and i'm dressed...just doin my hair! And i get a text on my phone. Its MAV! He's asking me what i'm doing, where i'm going, who i'm going with, and what time i'm heading out! I'm standing in front on the mirror in my bedroom ready to explode!

He knows all the answers to his question! He's just bullshitting around!

Then he says he wants to see me tonight...my response...

"MAV stop playing games. If you haven't handled your business i don't want to see you! Give me a few days to stop being upset and we can try to work something out from there!"

I never got to send the message. He calls my cell! FRom the second i say hello...i can tell in his voice...it's there! He sounds like he's guna break my heart! That he has something important to tell me...but that he doesn't want to so he's buying time!

Finally i can't take it anymore...i let him know that obviously he has nothing good to tell me...so i'm a let him go...finish getting ready and head out! Then his voice changes! He starts laughing...asking me if i'm sure that what he has to say is going to make me upset!

He's such a little shit...then he busts out that he dumped her 30 mins ago! I'm STUNNED! Can't talk...can't breathe! Can't even think straight!

HE THINKS I'M WORTH THE RISK! HE THINKS I'M WORTH THE RISK! He wants to give me a chance! Oh my god!

Then MR calls my cell on the other line...i put MAV on hold! The screams that come out of my mouth bust MR's eardrum! She cn't make out any words...only that he's single! He's single!

Her answer...hefer...finish your phone call and get down here...i'm hungry!

So i click back...and i go dead silent again! I can tell he's getting nervous! So i hear him ask...Are you ok? I thought you'd be happy!? Did i say something?

All i tell him is that he just blew the pants off me! That he's made me so happy! He'll never know...but that i'm just so surprised! I'm shocked! I can't find the words to say!

So i'm off to dinner and then the club! He's meeting me there! I can't wait! I can't wait to see him and throw myself in his arms! I feel like a giddy lil girl! He's made me so happy! Now i get all of his attention! And we can start the next chapter!

YAY!!!!!!!!!

Have a wonderful night ya'll! Cause i will! I'm going to dance with my boy to be! I'll let ya'll know what happens later! I'm so excited! Can't wait to get some kisses! YAY!!!

Trying to Figure Out If I'm Worth It...

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 03:24:34 GMT

Today's Friday...

On Wednesday i put my foot down. I told MAV that i couldn't go any further knowing that he had someone waiting for his phone calls at night. (Not that she's been getting them...cause this kid has been spending so much time with me) So today at work i waited for MAV to come looking for me. And of course he did. He texted me asking me how i was feeling and how come i didn't say good night the night before. I let him know that i was just waiting for him to handle his business. I told him again all the things i had said at the park. Kinda felt like i was selling myself to him. But by the end of our conversation i told him:

"MAV, i'm a good girl, who's been hurt so many times. I'm not about the drama and games. I just want someone to get to know, put time and effort into. I want to take things slow. You know we have this connection that blows both our minds. I can't promise you anything other than however long this lasts, it'll be worth the ride!"

And i left it at that...If he don't handle his business...i'm walking away...it might kill me...

So here i am...it's about 7 pm. I'm starting to get ready to go out. I talked to MR and JS. Told both of them that i feel like i'm guna get burned again! Feel like he's guna decide i'm not worth it. So MR, Tameka, Ray, Alex, and me are heading out to this new club called Congas that's opening up tonight. Its like the Copa of New Haven. We're all really excited. MR and Alex and me are meeting up earlier to go out to dinner before hand at Nikkita's! (One of my favorites downtown) Ray is suppose to meet up with us...he's guna be my fill in date!

MR and me decided that tonight is guna be a night to celebrate no matter what. Now that her and Alex are getting together she's got sumthing to celebrate. (The end of pointless booty calls) And no matter what MAV decides...i'm guna have something to celebrate. If he decides to take a chance on me...then you already know...but even if he doesn't...he's been the one to remind me that i'm worth having someone treat me with respect, that i'm worth a little love and tender affection. That somewhere out there...there is a guy who's got his stuff together and looking for someone like me...

I can't even tell you how nervous i am! Its cause of this connection...I didn't even have this with my ex! I just think he's an all around wonderful person! And he's so sweet to me! I could easily see us being together...for months...maybe years! I know it sounds like i'm getting ahead of myself, but you don't understand! I feel like i've been missing this piece of puzzle...i've got lots of pieces in front of me that look like they'd fit, but they don't! Then just when i need to bring together this corner...so that i can keep building the puzzle...i find this piece...and oh shit...it fits!

I have no idea if i'm actually guna hear from him tonight...so i'm guna go get ready...do my hair and make-up real nice! I'm wearing my favorite black and white dress! Even though i don't think i'm guna want any attention from anyone tonight...i'd like to be able to turn heads at least!

Just wish i knew what was going through his mind...wish i knew what type of impact i've had on him...

I heard this song on the radio today on my way home...so i put it on when i got home! For some reason all the things i want to say to him are in this verse...wish i could hear this out his mouth...maybe one day!

"I'm that light when you can't see, I'm that air when you can't breathe, I'm that feeling when you can't leave, some doubt some believe some lie and cheat and decieve so its only you and me, when your weak i'll make you strong, here's where you belong, i ain't perfect but i promise i won't do you wrong, keep you away from harm, my love is protected, i'll wrap you in my arms so you never feel neglected, i'll just make you aware, of what we have is rare, at the moment of despare i'm the courage when you're scared, loyal, down for you, soon as i saw you wanted to be there cause i can hold it down for you, be around for you, plant seeds in the soil, make love all night, bend them bed coils, you a queen, there for i treat you royal, this is all for you, cause i simply adore you!"
-P. Diddy "Satisfy You"

Random State of Affairs...

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 16:08:30 GMT

Today is my last day of vacation...

I start my school on Monday! I'm looking forward to going back to school! I know that makes me a nerd but honestly...there's nothing better than a 8:30 am Construction class...which is exactly what i got this semester! Gotta love architecture!!!

I guess today is kinda a recovery type of day. Yesterday was surreal! So many individual problems, emotions, and happenings to deal with in a 24 hour period. It all started with waking up and remembering my car was gone and that FDJ was almost road kill! Then i rolled over and remembered i had spent the night at Club Bottega (i didn't get to bed till after 4 am! So my body was letting me know that dance class and all that salsa was just a little too much for me! But it never fails that i always have so much fun with the crew (AB, Alex, MR, Jose C, Vinny, Toy, and me)!

FYI: I didn't know that Bottega had Salsa upstairs and HipHop/Reggaeton downstairs! Its really hot, everyone should come check it out on Wednesday nights!

So i go to get outta bed and there's a message on my phone from LAO. He's letting me know that he's going to come visit me to check on me after he gets outta work at 4 pm. Then he slides in the fact that he wants his jersey back. I flip! If you want your jersey back, don't make up excuses, and pretend that the reason is that you miss me and want to tell me something! Just freaking come get that shit or better yet...i'll mail it to your ass!! DAMN IT! But he swore up and down that it was to come chill with me! Whatever.

I spent the morning on the phone with everyone and their mother! Everyone called to check on me, ask me how i was feeling, if they could do anything for me! I swear i have the best support system in the world! Then Mom-Dukes stopped by so we could go run errands!

I bought books for school, picked up the police report (the ASSHOLE was charged with DUI...damn straight!), checked out IKEA (i'm totally buying this giant mirror for my bedroom), registered for classes to start this Engineering degree, and then dropped Mom-Dukes at the train station so that now i got a car to drive!

So i make it home and started cleaning up my place. Then i started calling people up. Ya'll know i called MC up to see how he was. Too bad this jerk always sounds so pissed when he picks up the phone...knowing that's it me on the other end! I mean damn it...he almost never picks up...so why all the attitude when he finally does? So he lets me know right off the bat that he's on his way out. So why beat around the bush, I let that dude go. See the funny thing is that he told me last week he was going to try to come see me before i started school. And all i asked him to do was let me know whether or not he really was. He couldn't even let me know that! I just love how he's suppose to be my boy!

So i spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning and talking to people. Then at 5 pm LAO calls up asking if i want him to come down and visit for a few. I let him know that whatever he wanted to do was fine. I mean...don't get me wrong, I miss him. I think i always will. So i won't tell him no, but he'll never hear me ask or beg again! Nunca mas!!! To make a long story short...he shows up 2 hours late (big f*#$ing surprise). So i've shown him the new place and we're talking...kinda...i mean honestly...how much small talk can you really make with the guy who broke your heart? Then as i was showing him pictures, he kissed me. Ya'll know where that led! Before either one of us knew it there were no clothes.

No matter what, when he touches me if feels right, like he's the one who's suppose to be doing it. He knows how i like everything, how to make my heart race, how to get my back to arch. Trust i was upset with myself afterwards...but can you blame a girl? Its nice to have someone who you love (although you know better) holdin and kissin on you...and when he started to go south...it was a wrap!

So i don't even have to tell you how upset i was when he left. It just drives me crazy that he's quick to tell me i'm perfect...that there isn't anyone better than me...yet i'm not worth getting his life together for. I mean...DAMN IT...is asking the man i wanted to marry to hold a steady job, buy a car, save some money, and start to deal with his "adult responsibilities" too much? Obviously...it is! I mean shit...i'm 3 years younger than him and i got my shit together!

So i did the typical girl thing...cried out my eyes after he left...and then MR calls me up! Tells me i have 20 mins to get my ass in gear, cause she's taking me to NEAT Lounge to dance. Says that the crew is meeting up (AB, Alex, MR, me, Vinny)! So i doll myself up...despite the puffy eyes! Then my phone starts to get blown up!

I left out the 2 newest additions to my serial dating list. Disel (age 22 from Guatamela) and Suave (age 23 from the Dominican Rep.) Not to mention Cuz is still in the picture. All three of them decide they all want to chill. I let 'em all know i'm going to be at NEAT. It would be funny to see how they all react to each other! I was in a horrible mood...so i need some entertainment!

We get to the club and the place is kinda dead! Which is REALLY suprising cause its Thurs night...at NEAT! So me and Alex hit the floor for 20 mins! I'm so happy this kid is my dance partner! Then a group of Mexicans take me and MR for a twirl. A few martinis and a Corona later...thanks the bartender, some old man, and Alex..i'm startin to forget my sorrows and blaze up the floor! At least the music was on point!

FYI: I love how i've never had to buy myself a drink ever when i'm out! Even Girls Night Out...

Oh...i forgot...me and the Salsa King himself (Vinny) ended up dancing to a Reggaeton song! So thanks to the alcohol levels inside me...we ended up doing this sexy as hell grinding-body wrap-i'ma take you home at the end of the night dance move next to the wall! GOD DAMN! MR actually stopped dancing to watch us for a second! I didn't know this kid had it in him! Don't have to say it...but...that was my best dance of the night!

So its almost closing time and i notice a dark figure watching me dance from this corner of the club! Then he flashes me a smile and nod of his head! Real suave! Looks like the Dominican decided to show! He looks really good...dresses to kill. So the song ends and i make my way across the dance floor. Conversation was pretty much "Mama i ain't never seen a gringa move like you...your smile lights up the room...you look amazing...has anyone ever told you have piercing eyes?...the movement of your hips paralyzed me over here!" The typical nice garbage ever girl likes to hear. Unfortunately, one of the mexicans interrupted us and asked me to dance. Suave said he didn't mind, so i hit the dance floor again!

As the Club is getting shut down Suave tries his best to convince me to hang with him for the rest of the night...talking about food, good conversation, sunrises ...BLA BLA BLA!! I mean don't get me wrong, he's a nice kid i guess. I met him the night before at Bottega when i broke him on the dance floor to some hip hop. We actually cleared the dance floor! The whole SAVE THE LAST DANCE type deal! I hadn't danced like that in a minute...so ya'll know i wasn't going to be made a fool of! Guess i caught his attention! To make a long story short he got my number...we spent 3 hours on the phone during the day...and now he's trying to scoop me up! Well, i didn't work...i turn him down...told him i'll call him later! He gives me a kiss on the cheek and on the hand...starts to walk away...turns back around...gives me the 1, 2 look...smiles and shakes his head...and walks out the club! Real Suave!

So as the crew walk to the cars...Vinny gets a great idea about pizza. So i grab my phone out of MR's car...9 missed calls and 3 texts! Cuz called to say we wasn't gonna make it out. The texts were from OAH (saying that i ain't called him in a minute...he's mad as hell), Disel (saying he can't make it out but to call him when i get a chance...he'll be up waiting for my call) and MC (asking me how i'm feeling...RANDOM AS HELL!)

So the crew heads down Crown street for pizza...Vinny's paying! The joint was packed! So for next hour we're all cracking up...me and MR got hit on by these Italian boys (she loves her some GRINGO...not so much for me), Alex and Vinny are complaining about how MR and me don't pay them enough mind when we go out as a group (that we're always tryin to pick up some numbers...TRUTH HURTS now don't it boys? LOL)!
By the time i made it home it was 2 am...I called up Disel...that dude was still up...waiting for my call...DAMN!!! He said some sweet things and said good night! LIGHTS OUT!! Finally my Thursdays over!

So today i'm thinking i'm just gonna chill back and relax! I need to clean up my place! Me and FDJ are chilling tonight...so that means dinner and red wine! Maybe a lil herb too!!!

Suave and Disel have already called to say Good Morning...and i've sworn off MC for the moment! He's completely full of shit! I don't get him! I'm going to remind him next week about the Show...see if he'll really show! He won't but might as well give him the opportunity!

I'm thinking today is guna be one of those "I'm in a stupid mood days!" It'll be a funny day! Its shower time ya'll...have a wonderful day! Ya'll know i will!

Just a quicky...

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 00:33:58 GMT

Today is the first day of my week vacation...which was greatly needed!

I did absolutly NOTHING all day! I didn't make it home from the club until 4 am. That's cause after we wrapped up dancing...(MR's booty call (Raz) stopped by Oracle. He brought his cousin with him! So you know what that means...that means MR tried to set me and the Cuz up all night!) the four of us decided to go chill. So we all headed to MR's crib in West Haven!

Now by this time Cuz had done a shot of Bacardi 151 and i'd had a White Russian, Oracle Peach Cosmo, and a Corona. So both of us were feeling REAL nice! Then MR got the great idea of handin the 2 of us her "specialty shot!" This chic hands us a tall shot layered with B-52, Kahlua, Bailey's, and Sambuca! Um can we talk about this, please?

So liquor was definitely the conversation starter last night! Me and Cuz (while MR and Raz got nice and cuddly on the couch) started debating the philosophy of Communism, Canadian policies, human nature, and the meaning of long-term relationships! Let me tell you...there is nothing sexier than a man that can keep up with me on these subjects! GOD DAMN!

Oh...and did i mention the boy started belting out Usher, Brian McKnight, and Boys II Men ballads in the middle of the club?? This dude actually made my jaw hit the floor...RAW TALENT! That's what AB said! Now he can come sing for me any tim...again...GOD DAMN!

So ya...after Mr kicked us out I made Raz and Cuz promise they'd come to dance class on Wednesday night! We'll see what happens...i'll keep ya'll undated on the Cuz situation!!! :)

So i slept till about noon, lounged all day in a tee that MR let me borrow last night (commando style!), made food, and watched novelas!!! Not to mention i spent half the day on the phone cause for the last week everyone has been blowing my shit up...house phone and cell phone! I mean...i MUST be loved!

I'm finishing the day with dinner from the Golden Arches...and maybe a movie with MR...who's practically sittin in my lap right now! She's watching me type! It's quite amusing. So you gotta know that the shit i'm talking about is true...cause if it wasn't...she'd be blowing up my spot right now!

Have a wonderful evening everyone! I'm hoping to go see 4 Brothers...i'll let ya'll know what i think! That's if these boys ever call the two of us back...cause you know "I'm MR...they guna pay for my shit!!!!!" That's what just came out this girls mouth! GOD DAMN!!!

So...looks like us broke ass pretty girls might not be going anywhere after all! I mean...come on now...is it too much to ask a fella be pay every once in awhile?

Night Ya'll!

These Stripper Hours...

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 00:33:50 GMT

I just got home after spending 3 hours at the studio! My body is screaming at me! Gotta love the dance team!

But don't get me wrong...i love Sunday afternoon practices! They're great! They get me into this great mood, all smiles and laughing! Great way to finish one week and start another! So now the team is up to 6 couples. (Pictures coming soon...)

The girls are: AB (the ring leader), Tam (the teacher from the Waterbury studio...she's amazing), MR (who's slightly injured due to a freak accident on the dance floor), AnaB, this other girl who hasn't shown up yet...and yours truly!

The dudes are: Vinny (thank god he's dancing with AB cause i'm too shy to dance with this kid! He's like the Salsa GOD to me...and he's so hot), Smelly Mike (dancing with Tam...poor girl), Gringo Rich (dancing with MR), this new Rican guy who's sexy as hell (dancing with AnaB), Ol' Jose (who's dancing with the M.I.A. girl), and...

I'VE GOT ALEX!!!!! This kid is great! I love him. He's the only person i can really say that i love dancing with! He's really good...but doesn't take himself too serious...he likes to play with the steps and the music...so if you mess up...tough shit...AND he knows how to work my body! Triple turns are no problem for us! I can match his groove, he can match mine. We can feed off each other. A slight pull of his arm and a tighter grip on my hips...and we can start a fire anywhere!

But the best thing is that he's a stocky dude. He's taller than me, his calves are bigger than mine, and we balance each other out! (And i know that cause we've cleared the dance floor at Club Bottega before...everyone wanted to watch us dance!!) Its WONDERFUL! Now that i've got a great partner...ya'll better come to the shows...cause me and my boy are about to be off the chain!!!

So today in rehearsal...it was hot as hell! Good for me, Alex sweats a lot...not the gross smelly kind...but he sweats...like me! So this kid is wearing a white tee, and in the middle of doing some me-on-him body rolls, he stops and starts to laugh! I'm looking at this kid like "what the hell?". So he starts playin with his nipples...by this point i'm dying (i'm come on, i know you can picture this...its funny as hell)! He starts going on about how he's sweating so much that you can see his nipples through his shirt...like its a wet tee contest or something.

Now ya'll know i'm random as hell...that stupid comments come outta my mouth ALL THE TIME! But this kid takes the freakin cake! He's hilarious! I mean you sometimes think those types of things...but who actually says them out loud??

After rehearsal (and i'm not kidding...i was sweating buckets) AB, MR, and me decide to hit Modern Pizza for some of the best Eggplant Pie you can get in CT! Then we headed to Wooster St. for some Italian Ice and Canolis! Too bad all the exercise we just did went to waste! But I love going out with the girls...we always laugh so hard! Next time we have to drag Tam and AnaB out with us!

So the rest of my night is guna be...cleaning the crib and then heading to the club for an "Alisa's House of Salsa Appearance Night"! (Like my body doesn't hurt enough already?) I have to be dressed and ready to go @ Oracle for 9:45 pm. We'll probably leave the joint around 12 or 1 am.

So far in 1 week i've danced:

Sunday 3 hours @ rehearsal, 3.5 hours @ Oracle
Tuesday 2 hours @ class
Wednesday 4 hours @ class, 3 hours @ Club Bottega
Friday 3 hours @ class
Sunday 3 hours @ rehearsal, and however long i stay @ Oracle tonight...

I SHOULD BE GETTIN PAID FOR THIS SHIT!!! Its a damn good thing i live/love to dance!

Kinda feel like i'm putting in Stripper Hours though!

So let me go get my behind into sumthin tight and white... blue or red...whichever i get into first! Damn it...and i gotta do my hair! Sometimes tryin to look on point is just...past my human abilities!

Night Ya'll

I'm Just Asking Why?

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 13:01:53 GMT

Why would God bring someone into your life...and then take them away?

Why would God show you someone so genuine and put together...just so that in the end you see you can't have him?

Why would God hide me from my own feelings...right until the time i said good bye?

Why would God lead you on an emotional roller coaster?

Why would God let me meet someone who at first put up with all my defenses, then showed me how to relax and enjoy, and then had to walk away?

Why would God close a book...when i'm waiting to read the next chapter?

Last night i said good bye to TLC. He's going off to Graduate Law School on Saturday. I won't see him again before he leaves. I didn't realize how disappointed i'd be when he left, and the worse thing is that the entire time i've known him...i knew this day would happen! I knew that he'd pick up and leave...and that would be that! We always knew our timing was wrong! Its funny to think he won't be living down the street anymore.

I guess i'm just upset about the fact that now he's guna go do him, somewhere new, and that someone might come along and snatch him up (because he's damn near perfect)...before i ever got a change to!

And me being the idiot that i am...put up all the defenses in the world right at the end last night! Pulled all the same crap i always do. Tried to appear just a little too tough, tried to seem like i was indifferent, tried to act like i didn't really care if i heard from him ("oh you wanna keep talking? well if you wanna call that's fine...i guess it would be nice to know how ur doing"), tried to act like it was time to pull a disappearing act anyways...etc!

TCL said glass half full...and i said glass 3/4 empty!

OAH wanted to slap the sh*t out me afterwards when i called him upset! Wanted to know why i couldn't just be straight with TLC and tell him how i was really feeling! My answer...i'm tired of being the one not on higher ground. I'm tired of always being the 1 left behind. And i'm tired of putting my heart out there 100% to have nothing happen!

Too bad that's really how i feel.

I didn't want to get hurt anymore...but in the end i bit myself in the ass!

So now i've watched the most wonderful person walk outta my life...and i sabotaged the future by reducing us to e-mail buddies. (TLC wasn't all that happy with me either...by the way)

Gotta love fight or flight animal instincts!

"Must be nice
Having someone you can come home to from a long day of work
Must be nice
Having someone you don’t have to show they know exactly where it hurts
Must be nice
Having someone who trusts you despite what they’ve heard
Someone as mighty as a lion but still as gentle as a bluebird
Must be nice
Having someone you don’t have to tell you don’t want to be alone
Must be nice
Having someone you can grow old with until God calls ya’ll home
Must be nice"
-Lyfe Jennings

A Night to Chill...

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 05:10:14 GMT

Time to relax, reflect, and unwind. That's what tonight was suppose to be about. Spend some quality time with myself to take a look at where my words and actions are steering me. Time to regroup before a crazy weekend of performances and appearances...

I've been told more times this week that i have a habit of attaching myself to someone and then (more times than not) after however long, dropping them on a dime. OAH (the big little man) was one of the guys that brought this up. He explained that for almost two months we talked several times a day, laughed and joked about everything, saw each other a couple times a week, doing everything from concerts and movie to steamy showers. And as he was just starting to getting use to the idea of us...as something...i was gone. Stopped calling, stopped dropping by. He said he was reduced to playing phone tag with me. That getting my voice mail every time and knowing that i wouldn't return his phone call for at least 24 hours was driving him nuts...that he wanted to know why we had gotten a divorce!

But he's not the first! Another one of my boys MEJ said the same thing. He said that just as we were starting to get close...i pulled a disappearing act. And its funny, cause i never think of it like that! I mean...in his case...true, we were kinda close. Almost every night for a couple months (around 1 am) we'd be on the phone. We'd laugh and joke about stuff that had happened throughout the day, swap stories, and talk about our past, present, and future. We'd hang out at least 2 times a week. I can't tell you how many late night burger runs we made to the diner off 84 in Hartford. But then life stepped in. It started being harder and harder to make it to Hartford. And as my schedule sped up, it became harder and harder to have our late night talks. Then before i knew it...i hadn't talked to him in a week, then 2...etc!

The part that makes me laugh is that here i am...being accused of neglecting people, forgetting about them and replacing them...while that is exactly what i'd love to do with certain people! MC is one of those people! Here's a guy...my ideal body type, funny (i love his smile), gentle, sweet as anything, AMAZING kisser (the type that you compare everyone to), I've had it bad for him for the last 5 years, and all i want is his attention. And for 3 weeks i had it! I had someone to spend time with, joke and laugh with, someone to slow dance with, wake up next to and cook for! Its funny to think that i had sworn that if he made me his girl i would have given him ALL of me, willingly and without question! Unfortunately, i couldn't seem to keep him (for at least 20 reasons)! And now no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to let him go! And i know that's exactly what he wants me to do! Not that we were or are on bad terms, but that's what he wants. He wants me to slowly bow out of his life...and pull a disappearing act. But how do you let someone go that you feel you have such a strong connection to/with?

I guess that's the question. Just like they couldn't hold onto me (for whatever reasons), i can't hold onto him. Don't get me wrong...i love my boys! We all started as friends, shared something great and we'll all end as friends (hopefully)! But like JP said...every good thing has its ending, so you have a choice. Either don't start anything or come to terms with it as it ends. But since if you chose never to start anything you'll end up missing out on everything, you only have one option! So i guess i'm just as guilty as the rest! MC has made his ending with me just like i've made my ending with others. And although i'd love to keep him cause i feel what we had was as close to perfection as i'm going to get right now, i can't! (Stupid...stupid...stupid)

Its weird. From where i'm sitting i can see my cell. And i know that what i texted MC an hour ago got to him, he read it, yet i won't hear from him! And i don't think it because he doesn't care or that i don't cross his mind, its just that someone else (maybe better) is filling up his schedule! The same thing is true for MEJ...when he use to call, i wouldn't return them right away cause i was with OAH. And now OAH can't get ahold of me because i've filled my life with work, dance, and hanging out with FD (who has also stated that at one point i picked him up and dropped him afterwards)! FD told me the other night...over BBQing "rather large pieces of animal parts" LOL...that its always the ones you cant have that you long for the most! I just wish i could satisfy the craving!

Guess its true that what goes around...comes around! Too bad i feel like i'm getting bit in the ass!

"Siempre que te pregunto. Que como, cuando, y donde? Tu siempre me respondes "Quizás, Quizás, Quizás!"
-Akwid

"The longer you keep it up, the longer it lasts! I'm going absolutely nowhere with that one!"
Drunken statement by MMR

The Morning After...

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 02:30:03 GMT

Last night was probably one of the best nights i've had in so long. It started with a long and stressful day at work (which was nicely broken up with phone calls from Mom and JCS). I knew that there was a 92% chance that i was going to have to perform after work at some baseball game, but AB was slow to give me all the info. At 4: 50 pm she called me up. The message she left was something like, "Hey love, its AB. Listen all the dancers are going to meet at the park on RT.34 at 7:30 pm. Come dressed in jeans. I'll bring the shirts. Make sure you look on point, there'll be publicity shots. Call me back. Bye"

First of all...I work over an hour away from where i live. And RT. 34 is an extra 20 minutes down the road! Can we talk about this please? Then 5 minutes later she calls back saying that plans changed and we're all meeting at the studio for 7 pm to get ready! I've never tried to rush so fast outta work in my life. Not that it worked. I still didn't leave till 5:30 pm. But...on my way out TLC called. Let me fill you in on this man...

I met him on a Thursday night in February at my favorite salsa spot downtown. There was a terrible snowstorm going on outside, so the place wasn't quite as crazy packed as usual. We were all there to begin celebrating AB's days of her birthday! AB, LMS, myself and some other girls were all parked at the bar scanning the sushi list. All of a sudden one of the girls turns to AB and says "Look what the weather dragged out?" We all turned to see this attractive, about 5'11, black man who was dressed real sharp come strolling into the club. He had a pair of sneakers (clean), dark jeans, blazer, and a backwards white sox's hat on. Underneath the blazer was a clean white tee that read "Hilary for President 2008". Right then i decided i needed to walk up to this kid and shake his hand. So that's exactly what i did. When he finally made it (about 15 minutes later after entering) to our VIP booth by the dance floor (during that time we had ordered the sushi and our own way to the booth) I slid in next to him, reached out my hand and introduced myself. That's when i noticed for the first time he had an amazing smile! Big, bright, and white! So then usual chit-chat took place. "What's your name, where you from, what you do, how do you know AB?" Come to find out he's a Lawyer in training, works for the city, likes to salsa dance, is 25, and lives in the area.

Alas, our conversation kept being interrupted by people coming and asking me to dance. I was impressed by how TLC eventually asked me to dance. Good song, he had good rhythum, and made good conversation. So by the end of the night, nothing past the basics and political views had been discussed. So as bouncers are trying to hurry people out the club into snow-covered streets, I hear TLC come up behind me and asks "So since we never got to finish our discussion, i was wondering if we could go for coffee or ice cream or something?"...

I left something out...at this point me and LAO are still engaged. True, we were having serious problems! But i'm not as bad of a girl as you think i am. I had not gone to the club searching for someone to take my mind off my problems at home. I had gone out to celebrate with the girls. True, i hadn't told TLC right off the bat that i was taken, but why kill good conversation for no reason? And anyways...my diamond ring was on...I NEVER TOOK IT OFF!

So as TLC is trying to exchange numbers with me...i quickly tell him "Sure, conversation and coffee sounds good. Why don't you give me your number?" I put it in my phone and leave the club with my girl LMS. We finally get to my car and LMS (being the smart person that she is, wearing open toed shoes in blizzard weather) gets in the car while i dig us out. I'm half way done when i see this guy running towards us, with a snow brush. Looks like TLC had found us and come to the rescue. As he gets to the car and starts helping me out, he stops, looks at me, and asks, "So how come i can't get your number? You have a man or kids or something?" I looked at him and laughed. Flashed him my pearly whites and my engagement ring. I tried to make a joke out of it. He took it well. Said we could still get together, that coffee buddies were great. And so that's how TLC entered my life.

I called him the day me and LAO broke up (while sitting at Subway taking my lunch break). TLC called me back the day we buried PAC and we met up for the first time that very next night. Who knew you could spend so many hours in a coffee shop (with only one cup of coffee) due to amazing conversation? We've gone out a bunch of times over the last 5 months. Unfortunately, he's a few days shy from moving to Boston for law school. I'm devastated. I've never met anyone like him. He's smart, ambitious, and sexy as hell. He's probably the most well rounded guy ever. I don't even think i have any negative thing to say about him. And all i want him to do is throw his arms around me and start some "funny business"!

Now back to the story...sorry for the intermission! So i made it to the studio for 7 pm, got my costume, and headed to the park with Mich. We get there and find out we're dancing on top of the home teams' dugout in between innings. Sounds funny, don't it? Well, turned out to be lots of fun! The first time we danced it was me and Mich. Then AB shows up with Toy and Dr. Mike and his date person girl! The second time we all dance: Toy with AB, Dr. Mike with the girl, and me and Mich free styling. Third time its me and Toy, Mich and Dr. Mike, with AB and the girl free styling! It was great! The crowd was so responsive. After the game...the Cutters were playing a Canadian team (Canada won...big surprise...anything Canadian is better...especially the girls!) AB says we're headed to a open house Salsa party! Aight now!

It was something out of a movie...the backyard was paved over, plants growing up the fence, and christmas lights hanging across the backyard EVERYWHERE! The music was bumping and there were lots of people dancing! So we hit the dance floor as soon as we get there: Toy, AB, Mich, and yours truly! I start off dancing with Toy, then get handed off to my boy Jose (who happens to be there), then Carlos slips in. Have you ever danced with anyone that as soon as their fingers touch your skin...you feel like you're on fire?

Eye contact was never lost! The music fed through us! He had this way of holding me, he always seemed to catch me at just the right spot on my hips, the small of my back, the curve of my neck...he would slide his hands over every part of my body. It was so passionate! Sweat was pouring off our bodies, but it almost seemed to make everything better. The closer we danced, the hotter it got! Damn by the end, i couldn't breathe. Now that's how you dance salsa! However, his bachata actually made me wet! When a guy can use the sweat on your chest, arms, and thighs to get your body to move a certain way...GOD DAMN! I danced with his about dozen times that night! My best dance ever...so far!

The night ended at about 3 am for us! By that time i was exhausted, dehydrated, and numb! Got home, stripped the clothes off and hit the shower! Cold water has never felt so great on my body before! And a cold shower was needed for so many reason! I've never fallen asleep so fast in my life! A perfect night to top a not so perfect day!

And then the storm broke...

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 03:38:23 GMT

5 months 12 days and a few hours...that's how long the storm lasted. And even though its still drizzling, the heavy dark clouds and lightning have seemed to moved on. That's how long its taken for me to find myself again. And its not even that I've found myself totally...yet! But the forecast has mild days ahead!

Weed, alcohol, depression, a quick bout with coke, lots of partying, and an endless rotation of guys. That's what the last 5+ months have looked like. I've lost nearly 30 pounds, learned to function on minimal sleep, and put close to 7,000 miles on my car. Looks like a straight path to self destruction, now don't it?

But let me explain...I brought in the New Year while being on vacation with 60 of my closest family members around me (and about 460 other happy Portuguese people), I was in my hometown (not to mention my home country), and LAO (that's what we'll call him) had just proposed! My dream had come true! I thought 2005 was going to be the best year ever. I had finished the semester with AMAZING grades. I was dancing again (Salsa). I was looking forward to going back to school, and i was going to be married. All our dreams that we had planned were going to be played out. It was looking like i was going to have my little brown boy some day! (One thing i want out of life is a son that looks like what my brother looked like as a kid!)

And then we came home! My "high from life" started to evaporate. I was so homesick. I was back at school living by myself. Still hated my job more than anything. And after spending almost every moment of the last three weeks with LAO, he was now living more than an hour away again (without a car, of course). It was looking like i was going to be lucky if i saw him once a week. Not to mention i felt really heavy! But that's what three weeks of living at Vavo's house will do to anyone!

Then at the end of February, the bomb was dropped. LAO was/is a baseball player. He had his arm reconstructed over a year ago, and now the doctors were giving him clearance to play again. It should've been a happy time. The fanatical look in his eyes told me differently. Within a month or so he had stopped saving for the wedding, cut back his hours at work, dropped out of college, gave up his efforts on buying a car, and was doing nothing but focusing on his "upcoming" pro career. The man i had spent the last 3 years with was slowly...but surely...started cutting me and everything we had wanted (at one point) out of his life! The confusion and pain all this caused...indescribable! We were fighting all the time. My health was taking a beating not to mention my confidence.

Finally, 2 weeks after we celebrated our 3 years, while sitting in bed crying, I broke it off with him. I couldn't handle it anymore. Everything he was talking about was centered around baseball. He flipped the script 100%. He was asking me to go off with him when he made it big. All that would run through my mind was "Who said you're going to make it big? What if you get injured again? I'm half way done my undergrad. I can't just drop all of it. I want to go to grad school in Toronto. I don't want to move to Puerto Rico. How are we going to raise a family with you on the road 24-7?" He took all of it with this really calm attitude. I don't know what hurt more, the fact that we were done or that he appeared almost indifferent?

So that leads me back to the beginning of my story. I thought i had till death do us part figured out. I thought i had found my soul mate. Instead i lost my best friend. You never know what loneliness and darkness feels like till you have to experience something like this. I took it hard, really hard. I use to front like it was nothing, that i was better off without him. I was lying to myself. Then the feeling of being inadequate overcame me. That was followed by hatred, then bitterness, then anger. I laugh with my girl JCS that "I ain't bitter, I'm just mad as hell!"

Do you know how much effort it takes to be all this? How negative energy just sucks everything out of you? When you close your heart, you close everything else off with it. Its a horrible feeling to wake up at 4 am and watch the sun rise while wishing you could stop the sun or your heart. Not that i wanted or want to die...I just couldn't find a reason to get out of bed.

This morning was different! I woke up with a smile on my face. I felt rested. No nightmares! There wasn't a strange person in my bed (not that i was sleeping in my bed. It was too hot so i crashed on the futon next to the air conditioner) or beer bottles all over the coffee table. It was just a bright, sunny morning! One i could finally relate to! Funny, you never appreciate the small things in life till they disappear completely...for whatever reason!

" If only i knew what i know now, both our lives wouldn't feel so wasted, tried to figure out the way how to live my life again...thought i had the perfect place but i find myself back on the road again I can't look back cause i see your face so i find myself back on the road again! "
-Boys II Men